The horrors of entering your “late twenties”

Me: Alexa, at what age do you enter your “late twenties”? *Sips hot milk with a soft smile* Alexa: Age 27 Me: It’s official. I’m on death’s door. I’m not gonna lie, getting old is hard for me. And it’s not just because new apps are being released that I don’t understand. TikTok whaddup. Or…

How to behave in a pool as an adult

July Fourth is coming up and about two-thirds of us are screwed. Let’s set the scene: You slide open the glass door at your Great Aunt Ida’s house to find like 100 dead cats!!! a 16′ x 32′ sized problem in the backyard. Sure, growing up I could spend all day at the pool playing…

Cringy things I’ve done that still keep me up at night

At least once I week, I lay awake at night tormented by my past. It looks EXACTLY like this: Let’s get this out of the way:  I’m a magnet for awkward situations. Strangers approach me, shout insane things at me and then run away. Kids tell their parents I look easy to beat up. At a…

6 Ways to Fight Your Self-diagnosed Seasonal Affliction Disorder

Did you wake up this morning and immediately start crying? Don’t worry, friend. It’s not you – it’s everything else. In fact, this morning, thousands of Midwesterners had to cut kissing their sister short in favor of scraping off their vehicles. Before last week, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD!) seemed like a stage 4 farce. That all changed when…

How to Squeeze Summer Fun into Your 9-5

Would you do just about ANYTHING to hang up your work pants and watch a pool full of people this summer? Well hate to swat your snow cone—but now that we have to shell out to get our own moles checked—getting paid in pizza and the best tan of your life isn’t going to cut…

Things Animals Do That People Should Too

Let me be the first to inform you: I’ve been to the zoo a few times. After each visit, I’m left in a dissociative state, quietly crooning, “whHhhy, oh wHhhHhy caAaaAn’t IIIII?” Don’t get me wrong, credit card debt is a blast—but wouldn’t you rather sit in your mom’s pouch? Don’t answer that. Just to add insult…

Cool New Ways to Be Affectionate

Aren’t you just SO tired of quenching your need for physical touch in the same stupid ways?  Like, would somebody get some innovation over here please? Holding hands: Dumb. Fist bumps: No good. Making out: UGH so BOoOooooRRRiiNNNgGgG. It’s time to show the world you’re a creative lover—without turning your bedroom into a fair. Cause… After…