Social etiquette for idiots like me

If you’re anything like me, COVID wasn’t kind to your social skills. For example, before the pandemi-lovato, I said things like “please”, “thank you”, and “Sorry for existing, can I get a burrito with white rice?” Now, I mute myself to burp, stage-4 manspread – and eat spaghetti with my hands!

Because masks are today’s trash, yesterday’s treasure – and that extra 70% of face can be used to judge identify me – I crafted this handy lil quiz to help us recalibrate for a post-COVID world. You know, one with hugs!

Rest assured, SALLY SKEPTIC, this bad boy has been loosely adapted lol, so loose from the Etiquette School of America – so you can be absolutely certain that you’re getting tips from the experts – and not some slime ball with a platform!

Keep track of your correct answers – and NO peeking. That’s, like, so rude.

The experts: D. Compliments are verbal gifts. Gifts you must never repay. But a lil store credit would be nice, AMIRIGHT??

Christian: A. Compliments make me physically hot. I’d rather SHOOT WILD than bake in the spotlight.

The experts: A. Believe it or not, allowing ol’ moneybags to serve you is a blessing to them.

Christian: C. In my opinion, if you don’t give yourself a full, disingenuous pat-down, you’re being an entitled B – a bozo!

The experts: A. Receiving an invitation is an honor. Responding quickly repays that honor. Barf!

Christian: D. I’d prefer not to be boxed into your local production of Annie until I’m 100% sure there’s not a lake house invite floating out there.

The experts: A. Tonight it’s dinner, tomorrow it’s DIAMONDS. Your deep pockets show that you’re a good steward of the Lord’s provision.

Christian: D. If you want grandbabies more than I do, you can pitch in around here.

The experts: C. Passing gas is a social unmentionable. Do you part and shut up.

Christian: A. Not acknowledging it gives your high-protein-diet pals permission to toot ‘n’ scoot.™

The experts: B. This sets your party people up for success. That way you can help yourself to some tonic without wondering if Jeremy is actively getting you uninvited to a lake house.

Christian: D. This is truly the only way to get to know someone without five years of coffee dates.

The experts: B. Standing in front of the buttons means you’ve been insta-promoted to systems engineer. It’s your duty to take everyone’s number and select the icebreaker.

Christian: C. 1 in every 50 people is That’s So Raven. Your odds are pretty good.

The experts: C. They didn’t pay $50 a plate for you not to hold a sparkler.

Christian: A. Saying this from experience: Sending people off all night cuts into your Cha Cha Slide Pt 2-time. An Irish goodbye should be a gift on the registry.

That’s it! Now, let’s sort you into social classes!

7-8 Correct answers

Classification: Polly Pure Heart.

If someone blasts the pants cannon in your direction you’ll probably vaporize into a puff of pigtails and hoop skirts. But thanks for reading!

5-6 Correct answers

Classification: Hoity Toity Todd.

You’re real proper but at least you’re human. You also have all your teeth, which took about half the answers off the table.

3-4 Correct answers

Classification: Dumpster Derek

Boy, that escalated quickly. You’ve got a few social quirks, but we love you for it. And no, we can’t change your nickname after it’s been assigned. It’s a verbal gift.

0-2 Correct answers

Classification: Cool & Fun To Be With!

You’re a disgrace – but you’re also a total smoke show and suUuuuper fun at weddings. I smell bias, I smell France!

Don’t let this Jaekle Jam hit you on the way out.

Post-pandemic hugs!

Christian

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