Let me be the first to inform you: I’ve been to the zoo a few times. After each visit, I’m left in a dissociative state, quietly crooning, “whHhhy, oh wHhhHhy caAaaAn’t IIIII?” Don’t get me wrong, credit card debt is a blast—but wouldn’t you rather sit in your mom’s pouch? Don’t answer that. Just to add insult to injury, here are just a couple more things animals do, that we’ll never get to.

Mating Dances

We’ve all been to the Drinkery. It’s that dumpster fire on Main. UGH REMEMBER JAPP’S? It’s a place where you walk in with some hope in the world and walk out covered in somebody else’s blood. That kind of place! I’m not issuing a challenge buUuUutt I’m willing to bet my crew includes some of the best dancers that joint sees on a quarterly basis. Still stone cold single—all of us. The best dancers should get married first, the end.

Get Treats for Shaking

Nobody likes networking—but everyone loves treats. And if you handed me a treat every time I had to be nice to a client, I call this getting “unfired” I think I’d FINALLY be happy. So take a note from your pooch, and don’t let people expect you to shake without a reward that’s fun to chew and freshens your breath.

MOLTING.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just molt into something WAY HOTTER without warning? I think so! Nobody asked you, Jaekle.  It’d feel that post-puberty moment when you wake up as a 22-year-old with a tie and a car payment, not realizing your body was out to lunch for 8 years. But then, real-life slams your face in a car door and you’ll do ANYTHING to get your braces back. I need that feeling every 4-6 weeks.

Hug Your Food So Hard it Gives Up and Crawls Inside You.

Imagine being able to consume a huge bowl of kale with just a simple caress. That’s what the Green Ananconda does every day—except they prefer to snack on YOUR FEAR mice, YOUR INNOCENSE eggs, and YOUR CHILDREN frogs! So, next time you’re out to dinner with your girlfriend’s parents, spare them from your usual PDA, and save that tonsil hockey for the after-dinner mint.

Give Direction Through Dance.

Which would you respond better to?

“Christian, file this damn paperwork.”

or

“Christian, file this paperwork if you want too…I mean whenever you feel like it…I dunno!”

Just sayin’.

Use Your Fear of Self to Control Time and Space

Do you ever cry at night, scared of what you’re truly capable of? SAME. Pretty sure that’s how Phil the Groundhog spends his time while we wait on him to mercilessly control our lives for up to 6 weeks at a time. If—during my next existential crisis—I could just scream and every else’s life sucked for at least 42 more days, I’d be way more of a nightmare. Phil’s really been phoning it in.

And last but not least…

Always Hug Your Friend Like a Lion.

If it’s good enough for Nala… it’s good enough for you. 

Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam:

Keep it real out there,

Christian