Aren’t you just SO tired of quenching your need for physical touch in the same stupid ways? Like, would somebody get some innovation over here please? Holding hands: Dumb. Fist bumps: No good. Making out: UGH so BOoOooooRRRiiNNNgGgG. It’s time to show the world you’re a creative lover—without turning your bedroom into a fair.
After years of clinical trials, I’ve deemed these public displays of affection the
barn burners Greatest Hits. So even if you’re as creative as a stack of hay with eyes, you should be able to find something that works for you.
The Spock Shake
Fuzzies: 2/5 | Creativity: 3/5 | Intentions: Innocent
Spread ’em—your fingers! On your next encounter, throw your pals for a barrel roll by beaming yourself into their heart. These interlocking Vulcan salutes are a simple way to say, “I love you to the moon and back, Space Rat!”
I know nothing about Star Trek.
The Ripe Turnip
Fuzzies: 0/5 | Creativity: 5/5 | Intentions: Can you handle my baggage?
Someone trying to grab coffee with you to deepen your relationship? SCREW THAT. MAKE THEM WORK FOR IT. Curl up into a ball and transform yourself into a 168 pounds of dead weight. Cause when you’re this rich with dietary fibers, Vitamin C, and potassium… they gotta be able to chew through your harsh exterior, before they can get to your sweet innards.
The Mulan Hug
Fuzzies: 1.45/5 | Creativity: 11/5 | Intentions: Wanna play lacrosse sometime?
Get down to business with this Mulan-style hug that’ll have the huns heading for the hills. Just like Shan Yu on top of the Emperor’s palace, you’ll be feelin’ fireworks for your person of interest.
Planking Your Pals
Fuzzies: 0/5 | Creativity: 0/5 | Intentions: Pay Attention to Me
Bring planking back for one night and one night only. It’s like limping to first base after getting hit in the junk with a fast ball.
Reverse Planking Your Pals
Fuzzies: 10/5 | Creativity: 10/5 | Intentions: Am I Pregnant??
Go borderline inna-pro-pro
BARF by pulling a Virgin Mary on the lap of your target. Sorry fam—TRYING to keep it G-rated around here.
Hugging Like a Lion
Fuzzies: 4.29/5 | Creativity: 3.34/5 | Intentions:
Bring some Pride Rock to your next barbecue by getting totally Nala-ed by your neighbor. There’s nothing like the intimacy of prolonged neck-to-neck contact—especially when it looks like you’re about to play tonsil hockey.
The Russian Ballad
Fuzzies: Grrr/5 | Creativity: Who Cares/5 | Intentions: Putting on mass
Answer your call to stoic manhood by throwing on a stern expression and leaping into the arms of another man.
Fuzzies: 5/5 | Creativity: 5/5 | Intentions: Lost my contacts, send me a DM. LOL!
Show instagram just how cute you can be! This public declaration of brotherhood/sisterhood/an unhealthy codependent relationship means you’ve shared a toothbrush while camping—or worse—claimed one of their farts as your own. These, are the two greatest acts of love.
That’s it! Good luck practicing on your stuffed animals.
Got any inventive PDA of your own to share? I’ve got 2
* Remember to leave room for Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit at work. They’re all HUGE.
Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam: