July Fourth is coming up and about two-thirds of us are screwed.

Let’s set the scene: You slide open the glass door at your Great Aunt Ida’s house to find like 100 dead cats!!! a 16′ x 32′ sized problem in the backyard. Sure, growing up I could spend all day at the pool playing Sharks and Minnows and swimming through my best friend’s spread legs! Shut up, we all did it. But after you graduate college, there’s an unspoken agreement you will become Transformers 2-level boring near any body of water. In fact, I’ve found the less personality I have at the pool, the better I’m received! *Drinks bleach*

To deeply overcompensate, I’ve spent nearly 2 hours since Memorial Day I’m very Irish at public pools cracking the code to swimming with swagger. And guess what? You only have to make 7 permanent lifestyle choices. And, between you and me, I’d suggest implementing them before you find yourself wet and stupid in hot water!

Know your audience

If you’re at a pool party with other adults: You may stand in the pool with your hands at your sides and complain about work. You may NOT get your hair wet. You’ll look like a big dummy.

If 1 or more kids roll up: All rules are void. In fact, if you don’t immediately become that child’s “fun dad” everybody’s going to think you’re a weird stiff.

Don’t challenge people to a race

Earlier this summer I had the absolute nerve to challenge an acquaintance – who was NOT interested in me as a friend – to a race. To protect his privacy, let’s call him: Pool Blart, Fun Cop. Blart had a plane to catch that night and in a last-ditch effort to get him to like me I shouted, “HEY, BLART YOU CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU BEAT ME IN BACKSTROKE!!” Let’s be clear, he would have been there all night. I am very quick, especially when I have the chance to charm a complicated person. BUT THEN, Blart stood up and walked away without a peep, perhaps flipping me the bird … IN HIS MIND!! How’d I handle it?? I said goodnight to everyone but him on purpose. Which is something I DO NOT DO. Just ask my roommates: If you don’t get an excruciatingly-long hug goodnight, I’m about to email you an eviction notice. So this year, if you’re feeling tempted to challenge a grown-arse stranger to a race, I’d get a second hotdog instead.

Goggles are for pervs

Sure, goggles are great for making sure your retinas don’t turn to sandpaper, but if you wanna try to help yourself out with a little eye protection, prepare for some BLOWBACK.  Just recently, I learned that if you’re in the pool wearing goggles, every woman in America will assume you’re taking HD mental pictures of their crotch. As with all feedback, I accepted it graciously and then deeply internalized it that night.

Don’t drink and dive

If you have a sip of alcohol within a 10-mile radius of a pool, you’re going to slip into it, forget which way’s up, and bop your nose. I see it happen all the time.

Keep your fire friendly

I rarely get political in my posts, but I firmly believe buying a water gun should require a background check. Here’s why: Two summers ago, Grant and I were trying to get Danny’s attention by using a water gun, but instead of hitting him, we blasted a stranger in the back of the head. And instead of apologizing, we held our breath underwater for a LONG TIME. Danny had to apologize for us. I’M CRINGING AS I TYPE. There’s nothing like your best friend telling you he is, “disappointed in you.” I still think about it when I’m alone.

Don’t bomb on the board

The days of “trying out some new tricks” are dead. If you’re over 18 and hitting the board, you better be good at it. Otherwise, your friends are going to record slow-motion videos of you trying to do a gainer and then play them back at your graduation party!! I speak from experience.

Don’t order risky swimwear from another hemisphere. BRING IT IN.

Earlier this year, I purchased THIS SWIMSUIT for my training.

Let’s just say I had to import it from Australia. Hey! You gotta do what you gotta do to get the print!! Well anyway, the one I ordered would definitely have put me on some sort of list, so I needed to return it TO AUSTRALIA to get the next size up. When I was shipping it back TO AUSTRALIA, I needed to fill out a customs form to make sure I wasn’t mailing an envelope full of ebola back to the Down Under. You probably thought this wasn’t a big deal because everybody who works at the post office is like 100 years old, deaf and blind. Well today, I got the help of a spry 23-year old dude who was probably voted Seventeen Magazine’s Hottest Mail Alive. We were building an effective business relationship until he told me I used the wrong envelope and went in to repackage my return. After he pulled the USED SPEEDO out of the bag, he looked legitimately horrified. And insisted I take over. SCREAMING SO LOUD INTERNALLY.  Don’t worry, after I finished the transfer, things wrapped up naturally.

Mail Model: Alright, Mr. Jaekle, you’re package is all set to go back to “Funky Trunks.”

Me: EL OH EL, THANKS!

I wanted to D.I.E.

But now I have a medium and everything’s fine.

Don’t forget your SUMMER ANTHEM Jaekle Jam!

*Paddles away slowly*

Christian