Would you do just about ANYTHING to hang up your work pants and watch a pool full of people this summer? Well hate to swat your snow cone—but now that we have to shell out to get our own moles checked—getting paid in pizza and the best tan of your life isn’t going to cut it. But don’t worry, there are puh-lenty of ways to turn that white collar job into a NO collar job.  *High fives a stranger*

Treat Yourself to Lunch at the “Farmers’ Market”

Farmers’ Markets are a great way for the community to come together and bond over criminally-priced produce and Amish breads. Now imagine bringing all that fun to work with a few modifications—like taking what you want out of the community refrigerator and replacing it with a shiny nickel. When someone throws that nickel at the back of your head during a client call, just say, “Hey! That’s how my grandfather got to school!” while pointing two fingers guns—and then high-five your closest stranger. You earned it.

Hide Your Own Seashells Around the Office and Act Surprised When you Find Them

You might not be able to get to the beach this summer, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bring one of its more snooze-worthy hobbies home. Leave a trail of dead sea animals scattered throughout your workspace and full-volume scream every time you find one. You can also surprise and delight your coworkers with a hunk of coral in their briefcase or a sand dollar in their disk drive. It’s an easy way to remind your team that you went to a beach once and you got the main idea.

Turn the Kitchen into a Sprinkler by Opening the Dishwasher While it’s Running and Treating the Burns on a Case-by-case.

Declare Any Meeting Between Memorial Day and Labor Day an “Ice Cream Social.”

Using this ol’ batch n’ switch on your coworkers won’t work every time—but it will work the first 4-6 times. Why’s that? Because nobody likes meetings, and everybody loves cream.

Join the Company Volleyball Team and Build Sandcastles While Your Team Loses.

Joining your company’s intramural volleyball team is a great way to meet new people and see their knees. Everyone says the league “doesn’t get competitive” but we all know that’s a lie. If you’re not hooking Todd from Finance up with the perfect bump, you’re eating lunch alone—and probably forever because chances are you live in a small town and my mom says people talk. Set expectations up front: Break out the pail and shovel and shoot for China by game 3.

Shield Yourself from Pointless Emails—WITH SONG.

I’m not important and I get hundreds of emails a day. It’s hard to keep track of it all. I propose: instead of writing me 4 pages about the Pizza Lunchable I left in the fridge since January, just blow: G , B, A, C Sharp. I’ll *get* the hint. Or when Sally slays a client call—don’t write her an email she’ll save forever—just blow: G , B, A, C Minus. Ahhhh so tonal! Remember, it’s not annoying, everyone wears headphones anyway, it’s fine, stop asking about it.

Craigslist Your Company’s Lightbulbs and Give Everyone a Fist Full of Sparklers. 

The light is temporary, the fun is forever.

Compliment Everybody’s Flops.

Everyone loves freelance copywriting queen, Katie Hicks. Last week, she was wearing some very trendy purple sandals. Without thinking, I said, “Dude, Katie, sick flops!”

“Cease and desist.” – Katie Hicks 6/06/17

She didn’t love it. But it did feel like summer.

Coffee Umbrellas.

Scream “THIS IS THE SONG OF SUMMER!!” Anytime you Ride the Elevator.

Start a Conference Call with “Aloha!”

Push your Office SOMEWHERE ELSE.

We heard Norwood’s pretty HOT this time of year. 🔥

Thanks to regionally-accredited belly button model SUCH an inny! Daniel Benham Baron and Cat Fancy Photographer Kathy Jakucki for shots we’ll all regret later.

Don’t forget your JAEKLE JAM OF SUMMER:

*UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAMING*