Ever wonder how the sausage gets made around here?

And, yes, I can “get rim” – stop asking!! 🏀

I know “hot girl summer” was technically last year, but I don’t think I’m alone in thinking it could have been SOOoOO much hotter. That’s why I’m taking it upon myself to give you a new kind of ouchie: a shoulder injury from RAISING THE ROOF. And the only way to do that is to forget all the ways you partied in 2019 and start … hmMmmMm what’s the word … AFRESH! So break out those Google calendars – and a couple aspirin – cause these summer party ideas will have you on your hands and knees practically BEGGING for sweater weather.

A dinner party where you hire a mom to cook lasagna while you play with your friends in the yard.

Let’s face it – moms are everywhere! That’s why I’m starting a business called MOMMI™ (Moms Obessedwith Meal-Making, ixcitement!) This software-as-a-service platform pairs twentysomethings who haven’t eaten a vegetable in weeks with lonely empty nesters who haven’t sold their souls to the panhandle. This allows you to host a dinner party where you can play capture the flag in the cal du sac until the sweet smell of lasagna lures you back into your studio apartment. The best part? You can pretend to fall asleep to avoid the dishes– just like you used to! But be sure to FaceTime her every Sunday – she is technically your MOMMI™ until your real mom finds out you have to split holidays. 🔪

A party where people with different beliefs shut up for a second and play twister.

Left hand: Red. Right hand: NUANCE.

A long-form hang disguised as a party.

Remember those days in college where you’d spend 11AM – 1AM with the same group of 4 people and it was AWESOME?? Now, if you ask me to play bring it back, you cowards, it better be under 2 hours and over by 9:30 – because that’s when the wheels really fall off the bus and it starts to roll. But here’s the thing: if you rebrand sitting around playing video games, star-gazing for hours, or gumming a scoop of rum raisin to death as a “party” – you all of the sudden have my full attention. And guess what? Zero plan time. Just remind any disappointed guests that having expectations of any kind is TOXIC. And then blow a raspberry while waving your Twister spinner around like a tool bag.

A pool party where if you don’t get your hair wet, you have to walk down a rocky driveway without your flip-flops.

I’m tired of pool parties that are just a moist version of standing around. If we’re not playing silence, water basketball, or back-boarding your cousin – I’m leaving. And I’m taking Sarah’s charcuterie board with me! She can do salami roses.

A party where you split into teams and whoever gets written about on NextDoor first, wins.

Teams are assigned one loose pitbull the rapper, a mysterious package, and one JUICY rumor about what’s next for the abandoned Burger King down the block.

A party where you go door-to-door caroling the songs of summer’s past.

Have you gone caroling recently? It rules. And you know what’s EVEN better than shivering through Deck the Halls hoping a cookie falls in your mouth? The look on their stupid faces when you sing Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney in a round.

A party where you enjoy all of the manifestations of cauliflower.

Anyone notice how cauliflower went from veggie-tray-pariah to the life of the party in 20 minutes? GOOD, ME TOO. I think it’d be “unique” to host a party where you can sample the whole gamut of something we pretend to be interested in. Impress your friends with varieties like wings, crust, mashed, stabbed to death etc. – and then lock all the bathrooms and see what happens.

A high-school-quality pasta dinner without the existential dread of needing to perform well in 24 hours.

Can you tell I was an AMAZING athlete? lol When I was on the swim team, I could pound two plates of pasta, four slices of garlic bread, and a fat glass of chocolate milk in one sitting. Did you just hear my colon SCREAM?? And, after eating exactly one salad last week, I decided that I miss that. And, HEY, there are ~plenty~ of reasons to carb load as an adult. Things like folding a duvet cover, staying awake past 11, and trying to wrap up a FaceTime with your parents are all great reasons to spike your insulin.

A party where it’s exactly like Saw 4, but when you lose, instead of getting your spleen yanked out, you gotta spin the host’s chore wheel.

Sorry, Barry, everybody hates the paper doll you made. Now paint the nursery.

Don’t forget your summer bop.

Your pal,

Christian