6 Ways to Fight Your Self-diagnosed Seasonal Affliction Disorder

Did you wake up this morning and immediately start crying? Don’t worry, friend. It’s not you – it’s everything else. In fact, this morning, thousands of Midwesterners had to cut kissing their sister short in favor of scraping off their vehicles.

“But, your sister!”

Before last week, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD!) seemed like a stage 4 farce. That all changed when I experienced the heart-warming highs and bone-chilling lows of Mother Nature’s seasonal bait n’ switch firsthand.

Last Friday, it was 78 degrees and I could NOT STOP giggling. I also couldn’t stop rattling the entire cubicle with my shaky legs. I blame the giggling on sunshine. And, I blame the shaky legs on being filled with the love of Jesus Christ and a 40 oz. cold brew. These, paired with the THRILL of flashing an extra 8 inches of leg at the office, made my week less of a 9 to 5, and more of SPRING BREAK with deadlines.

But this morning, my roomies had to pull me outta bed Freaky Friday-style.

And then I thought … maybe I’m SAD!

If you cruise on over to WebMD, two common symptoms of SAD include eating pasta and sleeping. Call me a hypochondriac – but I AM this! So, I took it upon myself to help you ease the transition from frozen hell-scape to tropical heat. These tips aren’t law, but they’re working for me!

Put your hot laptop on your face and pretend it’s the sun

It’s just like the beach, they both give you cancer.

Most of us haven’t felt this for months. Bask in the rays of missing a meeting or two – just don’t make the rookie mistake of sneezing and sending an outbound email.

Go all-in on a letter writing campaign

Winter’s coming, congressmen.

Don’t listen to your gut. Your congressmen WILL care and he or she CAN stop this.

Film a reality show to help Mother Nature find a man

Father Time is over.

We all have a friend who takes their singleness out on everyone around them, and then when they start a new relationship, they fall off the face of the planet. Mother Nature is one of those friends. I would 100% DVR a reality show where a hot leprechaun, a ripped centaur, and some guy who works at Donato’s fight to the death for a chance at love. Wave goodbye to the polar ice caps. It’s gonna be summer love – FOREVER.

Crank the AC to 28 degrees

Not pictured: 100 layers of snow pants.

If you crank the AC high enough, outside’s gonna feel amazing. Science!

Throw spring a funeral

Light some candles, burn some sage and move on to summer.

The flowers are dead. The birds are cold. That fountain is a popsicle. Come pay spring your respects tonight at Ault Park from 8:00-8:10 for an open-casket wake and snowball fight.

Pick Strawberries – at your local Kroger

Not this year, kid.

If you close your eyes – and add a PINCH of magic – picking strawberries from your local patch and the refrigerated bin at Kroger is literally the same. Encourage your kids to BYOB Basket, you monster! and take a few ripe ones from each pack. When they’re done, stir them around a little to make it look like your kid’s dirty fingers weren’t all over them. At self-checkout, just be all like, “I don’t see a price on these??” Forty percent of the time, they’re like “OH MY GOSH, I’M SO SORRY!!” and let you walk out.  Especially if your kids are cute.

“WOW. That content sure was snackable!” – Pope Francis

“That was short.” – Everyone else

*This post is a joke. In my experience, as someone who’s navigated my fair share of mental health issues, it’s best to talk to someone you trust about your depression. 🙌

Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam:

Here’s to a warmer tomorrow,

JAEKLE.

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