Do you ever claim to live a “No BS” lifestyle then realize you’re 1000% BS? Me neither.

This is actually my first-ever attempt at what my therapist calls “sayin’ it straight.” Which is code for saying a bunch of crazy stuff disguised as truth. And then delivering it with angry eyebrows! You know the ones.

This topic has been on my heart for a long time. Most people over the age of 55 had to figure out social media by themselves. And THAT deserves some grace. I took four college classes about how to not piss everybody off on the internet. So now, I’m here to spread the wealth without those Harvard Law Miami University prices! Because, Boomers, I care about YOU – and my own experience online.

Don’t just creep, contribute.

You know that creepy dude at weddings who likes to watch people dance but never makes it out for the Cupid Shuffle? Don’t be that dude on the internet. If you’re regularly on social media – and only use it as social fodder in the form of #HotGoss at Bunco – you have an obligation to toss something out there once in a while. YOU can make the internet better! Plus, you’ll experience why social media exists in the first place: A shared feeling of crippling FOMO connectedness – and not a thrist-trap for your data and, someday, your SOUL.

First of all, tone!

I know I’m not alone in thinking this: If your comment isn’t drenched in like 16 different emojis and various forms of “haha” – I think you’re LITERALLY screaming at me. Here’s my hottest tip for optimal tonage: Read your post out-loud in a monotone voice and then ask yourself, “If someone who’s six degrees of separation away from me because you probably are said this, would it offend me??” Or better yet, “Did I use a period instead of a “!!!!” If the answer is “yes” to either of those questions, FIX IT!! 🤗😘 See what I did there.

Get a profile picture

No profile pic? No follow. Your lack of identity alerts me that you’re just here to talk about me at BUNCO!! If I can put EXACTLY where you can find me 40 hours a week on LinkedIn without being murdered – you can upload a photo of yourself. It’s not your social security number. AHH. I said it too straight!

If you want likes, you need friends.

Someone I knOoOooWwW called me the other day (at work!) to ask why more people didn’t like his post. Keep in mind, he’s posted once in the past 12 years and has like 8 friends. If you want numbers: engage with people and have friends. There’s an algorithm: the more you engage with certain people, the more you see their stuff. That’s why any time Sarah or Danny sneezes, my phone develops a low-grade fever.

The unfollow button is magical.

Tired of that friend who only posts about their baby? You can unfollow that ish so you NEVER have to see that vain chunkeroo again! SAVAGE The best part? They’ll have no idea.

Editor’s note: if you unfollow someone – do NOT follow them again. I keep a running list of re-follows in my Man Journal™. And only SOME of them make it onto next year’s vision board. Don’t be a statistic.

Beware the share

Unless it’s a puppy jumping into the arms of a soldier the only surefire way to make me cry I probably don’t need to see it.

#HACKED: A masterclass in deflection

We can all be bat-shizz cray on the internet from time to time. Sorry, language. The good news? Hollywood has found the fast-track to forgiveness. I just spit too! You just gotta say something like: “I got hacked, sorry lol.” It’s the win button for being a social liability. Here are a few examples.

Claudia: Just happy to be out! #TGIF

You: Your kid deserves a swirly. I hate that stupid little grin.

You: Hacked!! I meant swirly cone. Nice kid! 🍦

_____

Jason: Got my master’s in English. Mad love to my family!

You: What an expensive-looking napkin.

You: JK, hacked! #ILoveEngineering

_____

Jan: Just got vaccinated!

You: Wish there was a cure for a being a human dumpster, Jan. But there’s not. And HERE WE ARE.

You: HACKED! Did you get the J&J?

Congrats, you got a “P” – you passed!

Well, I think that’s all my comment section can handle. As a reward for finishing my course, I present you this expensive-looking napkin. Right click to save. What’ the point.

Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam.

Your pal,

Christian