Me: Alexa, at what age do you enter your “late twenties”?
*Sips hot milk with a soft smile*
Alexa: Age 27
It’s official. I’m on death’s door.
I’m not gonna lie, getting old is hard for me. And it’s not just because new apps are being released that I don’t understand.
TikTok whaddup. Or that the 7-year-old swimmers I used to coach have a W2. Or that when I take long, moody walks around Xavier’s campus at night, no one pantses me, wrestles me to the ground and demands to know what my major is. It’s that in your early – or even mid-twenties – when you mess up, it’s like the CUTEST thing. But now – in your LATE twenties – there are REAL-WORLD CONSEQUENCES.
So I thought, while I still have some dignity, I should create a list of things to be woke about as you transition from America’s sweetheart to America’s spare part. If you have anything to add, leave a comment below because information is power. Power belongs to the people. And people are inherently good!
Not today, Jaekle.
Your company hires hotter talent
Not being the youngest person at the office is slowly killing me. Here’s why: My company scooped up a bunch of interns that don’t get my jokes.
HI JACKSON & AUDREY!!
Usually, our conversations have 3 steps:
- Step 1: I say something that I think is drenched in 8-levels of humor and irony.
- Step 2: There’s a nightmare-inducing 1-2 second pause that definitely feels closer to 6-8 seconds.
- Step 3: I trip over a stack of old encyclopedias trying to run away from them.
But hey, it’s not their fault I’m aging uncontrollably and can no longer “hang”. Here’s a real example of me trying to relate to them at their first-day pizza lunch. This is literally our first interaction.
Me: Hey dude-bro-man! Bet I can eat more pizza than you!!
Jackson: *Taken aback* Not everything’s a competition, man.
Me: *Peels off own skin*
You discover new moles
In a few short months, Sarah Wagoner will become the first woman to see me with my shirt off.
And she’s in for a real treat because I swear every time I look in the mirror I spot a new beauty mark.
I know they’re moles, mom, thanks for trying. And it’s not because I’m getting more beautiful every moment … it’s because my body is slowly turning me into a dalmatian for not getting an internship being a lifeguard for 6 years. But hey, I think part of the fun of marriage is making sure you don’t die alone with a giant, Texas-shaped mole on your back – just a bunch of tiny Delawares!
You constantly ask yourself, “How did I used to do that??”
Do you ever have conversations like this with yourself?
*Stares blankly in the mirror. Glass of hot milk nearby.*
Self: Wow, when I was 16, I used to get up at 5:15 AM to lift, jump in a pool for an hour, be awkward at school for 8 hours, jump back in the pool for another 3 hours, totally phone-in my homework, and sleep peacefully knowing I wasn’t letting anybody down – all without a sip of coffee!
Mirror: Look, another mole!
Now, if you wake me up before 7:30, iCarly better be getting an early-morning reboot – because that is the ONLY situation where that makes sense.
You gotta say goodbye to your kid stuff.
Sometimes, growing up is traumatic. Especially when a loved one makes you put a piece of yourself to death. You guessed it: When I was 15, my dad made me chainsaw my own childhood swingset in half. Editor’s note: I was
making memories on it utilizing it a few weeks earlier.
Here’s a more recent example:
I think I’ve been “caught” playing video games 3 times in the past 2 years. And based on the reaction it gets, I might as well be coring apples with a member of ISIS. Should I have been out “building community” instead of pwning noobs? Probably. Does “community” have 120 stars to collect? Nah.
Other things I’ve been caught doing recently that I deserve grief for:
- Watching Spy Kids
- Sitting down in the shower
how else can I feel my emotions?
- Wearing my dinosaur onesie unironically
it’s an adult thunder coat
You get a little more lactose intolerant every day
Before turning 25, I spent exactly 9 seconds of my life contemplating my bowels. Now I think about them every day – because I’m forced to.
You find meeting new people less fun every second
Has anyone else noticed their personal pendulum has swung from SUPER EXTRAVERT to ALMOST INTROVERT
*shivers* in their twenties? Danny and I used to host parties ALL the time. Now, I put an ant in his bed every time he invites someone over who’s not me. My new philosophy: Why kill yourself meeting 100 new people you don’t have time for when you can meet the same 3 people over and over again?? Some call it selfish. I call it FOCUS.
Your body tries to snap itself in half every 8 seconds
Everybody can point to an event that changed their body forever. I have TWO.
1) When I graduated from college I didn’t own a bed.
You read that right. So I had to sleep on an air mattress for 2 weeks. That jacked up my back for the rest of my life. Funny enough, when my bed arrived, I found a little pea under my air mattress!! Royalty: When ya know, you know.
2) I ran the Flying Pig Marathon a year and a half ago – and nearly 45 minutes after crossing the finish line – my body officially became the body of an old person. The first scare came quickly: A few days after the race, I developed a weird lump in my groin … and in typical Christian Jaekle fashion … I told EVERYONE at work about it!! HEY. If Men’s Health Month taught me anything, it’s that if anything changes down there, you’re about to D.I.E. So, after gathering as many thoughts and prayers as I could, I shot straight to the top at TriHealth to get my “hernia” fixed. After all, I WebMD-ed this crap, and I wasn’t about to let
some bag boy in a lab coat The Little Clinic at Kroger … TOUCH ME!!
Here’s how it went:
VP, Director of Hernia Supervisors: If you had a hernia there, you’d be dead. *Walks out. Leaves the door wide open.*
Me: *Yelling after him* Can I put my chastity belt back on??
He was right. And now, I’m fine!! My advice: An extra doctor’s appointment is worth not feeling naked and stupid. Did I mention it’s Men’s Health Month? GETCHA SELF CHECKED.
Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam:
SIDE NOTE: I MET CHARLI XCX IN NASHVILLE. IT WAS VERY STRESSFUL FOR ME. ALSO, SHE SAYS HELLO.