How Cincinnati Works

Editorial, Cincinnati Ohio skyline at 6am, January 16, 2012

According to a recent study, conducted at the Red’s Stadium, sample size: 6 Cincinnati is by far the best city in Ohio. But for every cheese coney, there’s a dark secret: AKA a bunch of stuff I just DON’T get. So let’s navigate each quirk together—and just because I’m pointing them out doesn’t mean we should try to fix them. They’re kind of adorable.

Fail Your Drivers Test So Many Times the DMV Gives Up

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Every morning when I hop into my Orange Kia Soul, its named Simba, SO SHUT UP I take my life into my own hands. Never in my life have I seen red lights taken as a light suggestion—or those stop signs that you can ignore if you’re a psychopath turning right. Few people in Cincinnati know how to drive; but they know it, and they own it by making up their own rules—and I can respect that.

Transform Your Leftover Greek Ruins Into a Popular Park

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I don’t know what the Ancient Greeks were doing here in the early 1900’s, but they left their Parthenon.

Draw Bloodlines Based On High School Loyalty

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The strangest question I get pelted with persistently is what high school I went to. “HUDSON HIGH SCHOOL!!” I scream. No one cares, its 300 miles away from here and our mascot was a boat. Go Explorers! Most Cincy folks make or break their friendships based on whether or not they won the D6 State Lacrosse Championship at the hands of the other. And honestly, I get it. Those types of things define you for the rest of your life. #CHCAEagles

Pave a Highway Literally Forever.

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I-75 should be cancelled. Just blow it up and start over.

Eat Brunch Like You’ve Never Seen Food Before

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All I wanted to do on Mother’s Day Hi Kath was take Mama J out for a nice brunch. NOPE. Sleepy Bee, the only place worth consuming food on the entire planet, still had a 3 hour wait after my sister had already waited in line for 2. 3+2=5. 5 is one less than 6, and 666 = SATAN. Cincinnati sure likes brunch. If you like brunch—and you’re not insane—you should just make it yourself. And invite me over.

Turn a Nunnery into the World’s Hottest Dance Party for ≈8 Hours Per Weekend

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San Francisco-lite Mt. Adams is one of my favorite spots in Cincinnati. It’s stunning, it’s ELEVATED, it’s historic, and it’s a friend of the arts. It really has it all except schools, affordable housing, and a place to buy bread. However, from like 11PM-2AM every Friday and Saturday night, you throw all that crap out the window, and it transforms into a sleazy college wasteland for LITERALLY no reason.

A fun fact for film buffs: Princess Fiona’s character arc from Shrek is loosely based on this small, Cincinnati neighborhood.

Throw Money and Police at Stuff Until it Works

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Delete this later.

Catch Your Fill, and Then Move to Norwood

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Nobody plans on living is Norwood, but the ‘Great Norwood Pilgrimage’ is something we all have to come to terms with. There’s a point in everyone’s life when their OTR apartment becomes too expensive—or the river decides to strike back and reclaim what belongs to it—and you’re stranded in a hell hole. I did it, and you’ll do it too! And hey, I mostly like it!

Cincinnati, thanks for being my new home. Never change <3.

DON’T FORGET YOUR JAEKLE JAM:

Cheers,

Christian

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Kathy Jaekle says:

    Christian best one yet! Oh The Sleepy Bee…missed it this past visit but where we ate was excellent and no wait!
    Love,
    Mom

  2. Aly Michaud says:

    You’re a fantastic human. Write all the things.

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