How Big of a TOOL Are You?

Last week, the 8th grader who shadowed me at work told me no one calls each other tools anymore, and that I should probably just delete this. Thanks Braden, you were right.

Ever walk away from a conversation wondering, “Was I being a tool?” Or the slightly more aware: “Boy, I wonder how big of a tool I am!” To help you determine, here’s a nifty self assessment that stops being useful about halfway down the page.

To begin: Ask someone who’s hanging out behind a gas station a close friend, “On a scale from 1 to 10… how big of a tool am I?” Got it? Go. GO!




Now, like how your aunt turns her WebMD self-diagnosis into a social media, Vietnam-nightmare, it’s time to take opinion…AND TURN IT INTO SCIENCE. Here’s your condition, loosely tied to hardware: The following is a scale from 1 to 10.

1- You’re Sticky Tack


A strange force compels women in the grocery store to tell your mom they want their son to be just like you. You set spiders free outside. You eat the corner piece in a batch of brownies. You’re not much of a tool; in fact, everybody loves you. Keep on keeping on.

2- You’re an iDog, iFish, or something else with an “i” in-front of it.



You might have peaked in middle school, but we still remember you fondly. In other words: You stopped being a tool 10 years ago, CONGRATS. Now that you’ve been assimilated back into the pack, I want all the gum back that I traded you for your attention.

3- You’re a Cordless Drill


You can be pretty freaking great, but you’re also a tool with no limits. Which is terrifying, think about that. It’s best for you to keep to your charging base, or “what keeps you grounded.” This’ll make sure you don’t go rogue and KILL US ALL take the last slice of pizza. There are also much worse versions of you, like clingy tools with chords—so use your powers for good.

4-  You’re a Huge Caulk

Senior Airman Collin Uvanni caulks the baseboards of the new post office at Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, on Tuesday, June 6, 2006. The office, constructed entirely by the 1st Expeditionary Red Horse Group, will nearly double the size of the existing post office. (U.S. Air Force photo/Senior Airman Brian Ferguson)

If you thought this was funny, move yourself up a level.

5- You’re a Jumbo Muffin Pan


Let’s face it, you’re a little too much of a good thing. Approximately 1.5x of what the doctor ordered. But you have a 6 pack—so you’ll probably squeak by fine. Just make sure you use that crumb topping—otherwise, don’t bother.

6- You’re Those Saws That Take Two People


Although you’re everyone’s favorite part of Oregon Trail, you gotta have a buddy to make sure we don’t all die of cholera. It took a village to raise you, and those grocery moms know it.

7- You’re a Snowmobile


There are very few occasions where you come in handy, but boy, you’re a good time when we’ve got six feet of snow, a full moon, and the blood of a first born.

8- You’re That Thing That Lays Asphalt

Screen Shot 2015-05-14 at 11.06.16 PM

You’ve closed I-75 for like 6 years, and we’re SO over it. You’re also the tool that stopped Lightning McQueen from making it to the race on time in Pixar’s tragic tailspin, Cars.

9- You’re Those HUGE Things With A Flag. A Crane.


How did you get up there? And how do you go to the bathroom? You can let your hair down but no one’s climbing up, cause you don’t just pick things up and put them down at the gym, you do it for a living.

10- You’re an Aircraft Carrier

The aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford CVN 78, is represented here in a combination model and live shot digital photo illustration. The ship is the first in a new class of nuclear-powered aircraft carriers, for the US Navy under construction at Newport News Shipbuilding.

Not only are you a huge tool but you also bring other tools to the yard. You literally carry tools to beat up other tools. You’re too far gone, but they will make an small, indie movie about your life starring Tom Cruise.

Where’d you net out?

Rate yourself, rate your friends, rate your boss and then share it on LinkedIn.

Don’t put your friends down without your JAEKLE JAM.

In case you needed a little more weird in your day:



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