2016—Make a Comeback, Make Your Enemies Cry.

The New Year means everybody is all about making a “comeback”—exercise more, save money, be present —sounds exhausting. Defend yourself from “new year, new you” syndrome with these conversational comebacks that’ll keep your lifestyle complacent and your loved ones off your case.

1) “Eat healthier” – Your Doctor

“I’m gaining weight for an upcoming movie… with Natalie Portman.” – You

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Look at this guy… he’s asking for it. After sticking it to Doc, be sure to tear up the waiting room with a victory dance. The whip/nae nae is a blast, but like all things once awesome, your parents have slowly caught on. AKA it has to BURN. in 2016, whip out a move from the Sorry video. This slick puppy has at least 4 more months before the baby boomers latch on.

2) “Get more organized” – Your Boss

“I’m too busy getting burned out.” – You

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This one’s best muttered under your breath—and when your heart rate is over 200. Do a few tricep extensions with your work laptop from 2008 to work up a light sweat. Make sure to close all your Facebook tabs, they don’t add weight. Watch my Boss-man Dan above take the news in stride.

3) “Text us back.” –Your Friends

“SRY. Just saw this! I can’t hang, I’m washing my hair 2night.” – You

Young people drinking beer outdoors

Nobody wants lice. It’s so 90’s. And so “As Told By Ginger.”

4) “Please do more dishes.” – Your Roommate

“Get a hotel.” – You

roommate

If your roommate overreacts to this retort tell them to “calm down.” This always works. Remind them you’re just looking out for them because hotels are nice, and you’re nice. Who’s the monster now? THEM.

5) “Date Me.” – Stacy from Home Ec

“I’m dating Jesus right now.” – You

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This’ll get you out of anything. Get out of jail free, collect $200. It’s been used on me twice.

6) “Get a Hobby” – Your Parents

“You get a hobby, I’m not retired.” – You

Girl standing in doorway of kitchen, arms folded, woman standing behind, arms extended.

Don’t let your parents get in the way of your Netflix and chill time. Send them a link to terrifying nursing homes in their area.

7) “Respect us.”- The Police

 “THERE’S SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT TELLING US.” -You

police

The police had a pretty rough year in 2015. Hug an officer next time you see one pulling you over out and about. Because nothing eases racial tension builds community like a good squeeze.

How will YOU make a comeback in 2016?

Jaekle Jam:

Cheers,

Christian

One Comment Add yours

  1. Kathy Jaekle says:

    Excellent advice and New Year’s resolutions buddy –
    Love,
    Mom

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