Guys, #TotalEmergency. In 2 short months my roommate is
dead to me flying the Cincinnati coop, totally trading down for a life in CLEVELAND. Are you KIDDING?? You’re probably wondering, “what does this mean for me?” Nothing, unless you want to CHANGE YOUR LIFE and live with me: Christian Richard “Little Dickie” Jaekle! To help you discern if sleeping 100 feet away from me will be the best decision of your life—I’ve compiled these top ten reasons you can’t live without me. Yes, this is a glorified Craigslist post. Looking for a roomie? Know someone who’s moving to Cincinnati? Send them this post, a Xanax, and let’s call it a day.
1) My Messes Are Confined to My Room
There could be a dead body in my room—but there’s definitely NOT a dead body in the apartment’s public spaces.
2) You Don’t HAVE to Talk to Me
I’ve got a TON of energy but I’d jump off the third story balcony
HOLY AMENITIES if I was like that all the time. Want to talk? Cool. Need your space? Dope. But I’m always here for you, new best friend.
3) Fully Furnished & Decorated
Wow, what a CONTEMPORARY living space! Carly, my lovely and talented,
PLATONIC roommate is leaving most of “her crap” here when she moves. That means you get #VIP #EXCLUSIVE #PREMIUM access to kitchen stuff, couches, patio furniture, and her God-forsaken taste in decorations. Just bring your bed, and you’re set, sir. Or bring your furniture and we’ll have a couch fire. Miami was never good enough at sports to light up a loveseat.
4) I Befriend Your Friends—and Then Turn Them Against You.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I care about you and your life. In fact I’m going to get all-up inside of it! Bring your friends over so we can hang. Watch out, I might STEAL THEM—they might like me better. It’s healthy and natural to force your friends to pick sides.
5) We Host Dinners Every Monday
New to the area and need some friends? I host small-scale dinner parties every Monday to turn acquaintances into lifelong friends. You get 2 guests, I get 2 guests. Then we all hook up!
Just kidding. It’s fun. And there’s always a theme. Take a gander at “cruise ship casual” night above. I keep this picture in my wallet. ❤
6) I Have Cool Shirts You Can Borrow
You can borrow my clothes any time. They get compliments at work, and confused looks at my church’s life group!
7) This Place is Haunted
You’ll never be lonely because there’s always a ghost or two roaming the halls. In fact, I was spelunking the basement last week and found a room full of bibles and porcelain replicas of the female reproductive system.
You read that right. But buck up, kid—at least if we die here, we die together—which is a fun way to go out.
8) Be a Part of a THRIVING Community
East Walnut Hills is totally rad. It’s just like Oakley and Hyde Park but ½ the price, 8 times the drugs, 4 times the corruption, and TWICE THE HEART. Jokes aside, it’s actually super great. #BackPedal
9) Clothing Optional
On an extremely personal note. Carly’s only seen the tips… of my ankles! Did you know she would have been stoned for that in the 1920’s?
10) I Only Poop at Work
What you actually want to know:
1300 Sqft. This place is huge. Rent for you is $587.5 + internet. Heat and water are included. It’s a 1 bedroom, but I sleep in the dining room
chandelier life. So YOU get the bedroom! Whole building is beautiful. Small Japanese woman beneath us plays the piano like a boss. All the wood is EFFING CHESTNUT. Parking is a breeze. All the fun is walkable. Dogs allowed…and encouraged ;-).
Take a tour of a similar unit HERE.
Be my roomie?
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bruh what’s the rent