Let’s get this out of the way real quick: I have dated a TON of women. I know what they want. I know what they need. And – without getting too graphic – I know how to kiss with my eyes closed from the left AND right.
*Spits into bucket*
This is the first Valentine’s Day I’ve cared about in like 3 years. It’s not that Danny and Grant have been terrible Valentines, it’s that I’m being CRUSHED UNDER THE CRUEL EXPECTATIONS OF A MEANINGFUL, CHRIST-CENTERED RELATIONSHIP.
Valentine’s Day is important to dudes for two reasons. One: shower your boo with affection + appreciation. Two: Girls talk, and you don’t want to be that douche who ships your boo an Edible Arrangement with an 80/20 melon ratio and a post-it note that says, “Thanks, bud!” Four dudes just closed this window.
To help you avoid that classic trap, here are some creative dates that’ll leave your boo in a constant state of WOO.
The Coinstar Date
Take all those nickels you didn’t throw in a jukebox in the 80’s how old are you? and dump them in a Coinstar machine at the Kroger in Norwood. Take your winnings – minus 7 cents per dollar –and stretch that baby til the sun comes up. You could buy: a handful of Mike and Ikes, a pack of cigarettes, or sit in a parking garage for a couple hours. You’d be surprised how creative you get when that glorified strainer hands you less than five bucks in crisp, dollar bills.
Burn 3 Things From Each Other’s Closets
Couples, let’s be real. There are a few items in your boo’s closet you wish got a letter from Hogwarts. Take this opportunity to make them peacefully part with these items — while disguising it as a date! Once you raid their room and torch their trousers in secret, hand your boo a fistful of ashes. The rest of the date is a 4-hour guessing game where you guess what your boo burned based on ash volume and that stupid grin on their face. The best part is angrily spreading your own ashes a dream most of us have had! near a lake by your childhood home.
Wear Matching Undies Under the Privacy of Your Own Clothes
Do the most extra thing possible by scoring you and your boo a matching undie subscription. Once they arrive, get a third party you trust to rip them from your sweaty, quivering hands and bury them in a time capsule that can’t be opened until a wedding date you set without consulting anyone else. Messy? Yes. Chaste? Definitely! And don’t plan on breaking up. Unless you get an undie-prenup costs extra, your stash gets split right down the middle. Dudes, you’ll quickly find out boy shorts are not “shorts for boys.”
Splash Down at Cincinnati’s Only Swim Up Bar
Screw Cabo. You can’t say that! Cincinnati’s only swim up bar is actually in Mason at an indoor waterpark disguised as a log cabin. NICE TRY. Safely expose your pale skin to their weird hospital lighting, practice raising kids by reminding them to walk, and sleep at night knowing red tide can’t get on a plane and kill you. But, before I make this sound too awesome, you can’t buy your $6 cocktail without spending $200/night to sleepover. That’s what I call the catch of the day! Sprints into traffic.
Here’s an idea. Fill your pockets with crumbled sausage and take your boo for a romantic walk in the woods. Discreetly drop some crumbles every few steps — Hansel and Grettle style — until you hear heavy breathing behind you. In a fit of passion, prepare the knife you got from your weird uncle for your First Communion and prepare for battle. If you win, congrats, that’s the hottest thing ever. If you lose, whoops — hope your Edible Arrangement arrives on time!
The Public Library
Make your boo close her eyes, grab her little waver hand, and lead her through the front doors of the library. Whisper in her ear, “Babygirl, open your peepers eyes!” Take a deep, audible breath, and in the same voice you’d use if you built the Taj Mahal out of toothpicks, say “Pick out AN-Y-THING you like.” As she wipes away a single, joyful tear, remind her that books are knowledge. Knowledge is power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. And “absolutely!” is what she should say when you PROPOSE. And then do it. Hey, it worked for the Beast — and he’s an animal!