Hot Slang You Should Use in 2017

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Class is in session, Groovers!

When was the last time you sunk your teeth into a new, juicy piece of slang? BARF. Since most us are unwilling to jump jogger-first into #TEENWORLD, it’s time to just start making stuff up. Hand-picked using 3 sets of Bananagrams and a cursed Yahtzee cup, these 5 words are sure to make 2017 “totally lit.”

Kumquat

Used in a sentence: Becky has a problem stealing money, she is SUCH a kumquat.

Let’s get real, this isn’t a NEW word, but you can change the way you use it! Cool, he’s already cheating! *Goes back to shaking a rattle* Last summer at a church retreat, during a heated exchange, I looked my godforsaken roommate in his stupid eyes and yelled, “KUMQUAT!” The room emitted a gasp, Jesus shed a tear, and I had won. Who knew kumquats packed such a punch both in conversation and at Smoothie King?

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Sit down, Baron.

Boof

Used in a sentence: I can’t believe Jimmy stole all that money. Boofs will be boofs!

We all know a total boof. He, she, me, BOOF! Boof is something you shout when you’re happy, sad, mad, or even bad—but it’s also a person, place, and thing. Your boof is what you make it, and one thing’s for sure, this is a total boof zone. Don’t click away yet.

Thanks Sean Jones!
Can you spot the boof? Ya it’s the tent.  📸: Sean Jones

Glorp.

Used in a sentence: The aliens stole all my money by wrapping their tentacles around me, shaking me upside down, and yelling, “GlOoooOoOOrrRrrPpP!”

“Glorp!” is bound to be H.O.T. on everyone’s favorite orbital flop, Pluto… and it’s laughable moon, CHARON. What a fall from grace. Plus, nothing ends a conversation you don’t want to be in like switching to an alien tongue. Your target will be so concerned you’re having a stroke you might score a free ride to the hospital—and those are FUN. Have you ridden in an ambulance? It’s literally a box of nurses that runs red lights and blares middle C. What a medicinal win!

snl_aliens
Two females caught mid-glorp!

Groover

Used in a sentence: Hey, Groover! Some Martians just stole all my money and I just need $15 to call a cab—can you help me out?

Groover is definitely a noun. …Yep, it’s a noun! It’s kind of like a term of endearment your bus driver calls you paired with that sinking feeling you get when your Dad brutally mispronouncing your best friend’s name right in front of them. We all know the feeling.

Morning, GROOVERS!
Morning, GROOVERS! Ron Wilson: 100% Man. 0% Powers.

Special K

Used in a sentence: Becky was a total Special K before she stole that big bag of money and landed in WOMEN’S PRISON.

In an age where committing to something is total social suicide, we need a word for the “tasteful flake.” As twentysomethings, we don’t commit to plans because something waAaAaAyyy beEeEtttterr could throttle down the pipeline at ANY second. DON’T BOX ME IN TO YOUR STUPID. And Special K is perfect because it comes in 12 cool flavors like Red Berries and SHAME. Let’s face it, we’ve all spent a Friday night alone because we let the milk sit too long and got soggy. I’M HARBORING REMORSE.

Down to commit to you, girl.
We ain’t no Special K, girl.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that Special K is the street name for Ketamine. Classic!

Don’t forget your Jaekle Jam:

Glorp!

Christian

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