Has your cat only burned through 6 of its 9 lives? Would your quality of life improve if Scooter was 6-feet under? Feel guilty about killing your cat with your own cold, dead hands? Well shut up and grab some mittens—it’s time to call the Kit Men.
**Now that I have you attention, this post is a joke. Love your kitty.
Now back to being a bigot**
Cats are the worst, especially old cats full of arthritis and lies.
Danny’s life was ruined 10 God-forsaken years ago when Blossom crawled out of the pits of hell and into his home.
“She’s the wooOoOooOorst. I’m not a real emotional guy but Blossom has got me cryin’ rivers Timberlake-style. If only someone could tie Blossom up and throw her in the street. If i did it myself I might experience guilt!”
Several bad puns later Kit Men was born. Two men, one dream, hundreds of dead cats, billions of lives redeemed.
^ Wow, this looks OVERRATED.
The Unique Value Proposition:
Kit Men kill your unwanted cats—but don’t worry—we’ll make it look like an accident. It’s not a big deal, it’s fine.
Kit Men make killing easy. Open the Kit Men application to get our address. Close the application. Mail us a notarized letter of intent to kill your kitty with approximate GPS coordinates (longitude first, followed by latitude) and a snack (we’re allergic to peanuts, dairy, gluten, and soy) and we’ll be out within 2-14 business days to do the deed. Once we put your cat in a tree and shake it, we’ll stuff the corpse and put it on a Roomba so your neighbors think everything is “cool.” Also—it’s almost a software as a service model, which means you have to like it.
^ Check out our beta!
The Possible Kills, or “Kit List.”
Standard Kills: $99
- The CLASSSSSIC tree + Roomba combo
- Thoughtlessly tossing your cat in the dryer
- Litterbox bear trap
- Gluing your cat to the street
Premium Kills: If you want a premium death you’re going to have to pay up.
- Thoughtlessly tossing your cat in the dryer + Downy Fabric Conditioner = $103.98
- Teaching your cat to read and sending it to college = $20,000 per year + room and board. ($40,000 for out of state schools)
- Whispering to your cat that there’s mice in space = $1.40 plus the cost of building a rocket.
- Breaking your cat’s heart with one of our “playa cats” = Name your dowry.
Why You Should Invest:
Pet-murder is a blue ocean industry; the profit margins are simply astounding. Kit Men kill with low-cost materials we find on clearance at Office Max. Kit Men mark up murders to account for the Catholic guilt experienced post-maim. We’ll deal with it, it’s fine, we’re fine, stop asking about it.
The Social Benefits:
Business people, or SHARKS, are always looking for ways to make it look like they care. What better way to give back than to “accidentally” destroy the evil within your community? Danny has dreams too. He’ll probably never achieve them, but don’t you want him to think that he’s capable? I do, because I’m not a monster.
Did we mention that for every kitty killed, the Kit Men invest in the community by giving $1 to a puppy-loving kid with a dream? This helps the economy.
Whoop. There it is.
^ Finally, a cause we can ALL agree on.
What do you say, friend?
Remember to tune into “the hot secs show” tonight from 9-9:15pm
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