Remember on week one when I told you #BreakTheRules was purposely set up so that I would fail? WELL HERE COMES JOHNNY.
I had this pretty awesome plan to go explore a super haunted bar in Northern Kentucky with a tribe of lesbian ghost hunters but that fell through for two reasons.
1. I have a penis and they didn’t want me there. Regard this email…
^^ I never responded, deleted everything, and ran away screaming like a school girl.
2. Charter Day Ball was on Saturday and I bet it was WAAAY better.
^^ The dance floor in Elsa’s snowpalace was so SMALL and we were so HOT. Shut up.
After the last second switch I was in a total scramble to come up with an alternate plan for the week. My favorite professor, (the cat’s out of the proverbial bag) Friedman, directed my attention towards a blog called, “100 Days of Rejection Therapy.” In a nut shell, Jia Jing aims to get rejected by making crazy requests and breeding uncomfortable situations for 100 days. Things like getting a haircut from Petsmart, make an announcement of a plane, asking strangers to rate his look and 97 more. The whole venture is a home run. This little number caught my attention…
Day 68: Exchange Secrets with Strangers
I had to do it. Who doesn’t love a good secret? I want the juice and I want it now.
Our approach was pretty much the same as Jing’s… BUST up to someone in the Armstrong Student Center and ask them to exchange a secret with us. The only difference between between my experiment and Jia Jing’s is that we didn’t get rejected. People were so incredibly open and willing to share. I was completely taken aback but mostly delighted. Almost every person Jamie, Jeff, and I talked to were so scared of us that they just starting juicing (gross, sorry) with us like we were best friends already. HOW COOL IS THAT?
Since I have been really open booking it recently, and partially because I have zero EFF’s to give anymore, and you shouldn’t either, I will now disclose the secrets I exchanged with strangers…
1) Once I hit my sister so hard with a pillow an ambulance had to come to our house. She’s 4 years older, get it together.
2) Once I slept walked and peed all over my sister’s book case, I was 17 and we didn’t notice until weeks later when it started to smell.
3) Before I tell this story… Any runner will tell you that running does weird things to your bowels. I’M NOT A FREAK OK. Over the summer I was running around the track at Cook Field and REALLY had to go to the bathroom. The Cook Field bathrooms were locked ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY DID YOU BUILD THEM? so I waddled over to the Marcum Center to use the bathroom. Let’s just say I didn’t make it. I lost control on the floor and had to pick it up with my hands. Yes that was like 3 months ago.
Get all your giggles out? Super.
I will now count down my most moist JUICIEST secrets that the Stags & I collected over the past week after exchanging with hundreds of people.
10.
^^ HAAAAALLLLLPPPPP
9.
^^ “I solemnly swear I don’t like boys”
8.
^^ One of the most evil things I’ve ever heard.
7.
^^ Further proving that 8th grade was the worst year of everyone’s life.
6.
^^ Pick up last week’s Miami Student to read all about, “Sitting Pretty in Throw Up City.” Headline of the year.
5.
^^ Our most honest and personal secret. Please talk to someone if you are struggling with an eating disorder.
4.
^^ This chick’s not going anywhere.
3.
^^ Favorite moment of last week. People are awesome.
2.
^^ You’re doing it wrong.
1.
^^ They told me what it was but I can’t publish it. IT IS EFFING CRAZY.
Honorary mentions:
In 3rd grade I had a crush on a boy, so I drew him naked in my diary. My mom found it.
I have a life-sized Elmo in my bed.
On a family vacation all the bathrooms were taken so I peed in the vent. No one seemed to notice.
I am deathly afraid of octopi. I throw up when I see them. I don’t see them often.
At a party I dumped out an empty fishbowl by the sink… I later found out that I killed Toby the rainbow beta fish so I refilled the bowl put his dead body back in it.
Senior year on New Years Eve I finally found a place to crash. I hopped into the bed and was beaten awake by a couple having sex right next to me.
I dated a guy who dropped out of high school and joined the circus. “Juggling Joe” was the worst juggler ever and I didn’t have the heart to tell him.
I got the tire swing removed at my school because I pushed a kid so hard he got staples put in his head.
I did not get accepted to OU.
I TP’ed my friend’s house the night her father had a heart attack. We blamed it on someone else.
I caused an accident at a go-kart track because I didn’t want an autistic girl to beat me.
When I was 18 I was the only person in school to pull off the “acrobat poop.” I had all fours on top of the stall and nailed it from 6 feet up. I had a witness.
Once my parents tried to take me out shopping so I knocked myself out with a rock. Gravity works wonders
In senior year anatomy they put a penis on screen and I had to go out in the hallway to pass out. -A BOY
I broke my brother’s bones.
I stole 3 jars of peanut butter and three jars of jelly from the market and smashed them on the ground as hard as I could screaming. I don’t know why.
I stole everything hanging on the walls of the dorm building next to me and put it in mine.
In high school I joined the water polo team but told my parents I joined Spanish club. they asked me if I showered every day after Spanish club.
On a snow day my gal pals and I made a teepee out of our sleds so we could have a nature pee. My brother caught us.
I tied my grandpa’s shoe laces together when he was playing piano, he stood up to leave, fell over, and almost died. Still no one knows who did it.
The rest:
I stole my brother’s toothbrush and brushed my dogs teeth with it out of spite.
I’ve read all 3 fifty shades of books
I secretly love 5SOS
Bought my sister the 7th HP book and kept it.
I am a clan leader in Clash of Clans by myself in my bed
I only blow dry my hair when I’m naked.
When I was 4 I told my mom I wanted to be either a priest or a garbage man.
I’m a vegetarian.
Someone ate my cookie so I pushed him off the swing. No one saw me do it.
I peed self during show & tell.
My grandpa calls me bob. I don’t know why.
I made secret love letter for someone in second grade. I used gel pens on a black piece of paper. It kind of worked.
I kissed my best friends brother and never told her. It was in middle school AND awesome.
I just dumped my boyfriend and already have a new date to Charter Day Ball.
I live under your porch.
Stole my mom’s username and password to get more texts and blamed the mixup on T Mobile.
I am addicted to “My 600 lb Life” and it is becoming a problem.
I still steal candy when I go to the grocery store.
I still binge watch Disney channel
I’m super afraid of birds. I hide every time.
I love to play Japanese role-playing video games.
Sometimes I sleep walk and pee in trash cans.
I’m allergic to snakes. I got eczema all over my body.
I buried a test I failed in 5th grade.
I dropped a Harry Potter book in the toilet. I didn’t tell my sister and she still read it.
I peed my dress when I was at senior prom.
I pulled a chair out from underneath a kid and he bashed his head on the desk behind him.
I tied a kids shoes together in 4th grade, he tripped and faceplanted. The school nurse was out that day.
Last week I was backing out of the driveway and SLAMMED my sisters car. I didn’t tell anyone.
My teacher took my friend’s phone so in a desperate attempt to fit in I stole it out of her desk and put it in my friend’s locker. I got busted.
I beat up three 5th graders in front of the teachers’ lounge
I still run up the stairs when its dark to defer the grasp on monsters. I’m 18 years old. JESUS.
I would yell outside my house, “I SEE YOU ROBBERS.” Every night before I went to bed to scare off robbers from attacking me in my sleep.
Last year I tried to blow dry my hair in the stove vent and had to cut myself out. It was awesome at first.
I got my 3rd nipple removed.
Once at my family’s vacation house… I pretended to leave for the summer, but shortly after, I returned to a door I purposely left unlocked to steal a bunch of alcohol.
I was smoking pot and saw a bunch of police with flashlights outside. I looked outside to see what was up and they yelled at me and tried to break down the door. We flushed the weed and turned off all the lights for hours until they went away. Someone got shot over in the next apartment building. They didn’t care about the weed.
Once I hit my brother with a jump rope. Is that really the best you got?
I had really bad diarrhea in Argentina… on a hill.
I couldn’t ride a bike without training wheels until I was 12.
My brother and I were in ballet together, he was WAAAY better, so I pretended to break my leg and quit.
I dialed 911 when I was little to see the fire truck. They showed up and I pretended to have laryngitis.
When I was 14 and grounded I tried to force my dog to run away in spite.
I used my brothers deodorant for a month without telling him – JAMIE STAGNARO YOU MONSTER.
I called a kid and told him by BFF would go to homecoming with him. She didn’t. I was kind of a bitch.
My teacher scared him by saying my name really loud right behind me and I punched him in the face out of instinct.
I threw up in a casino in mid stride. Only 1 person saw.
When I go home I steal all the toothpaste so my sister can’t have any. Why would you do that, please stop.
I pulled a fire alarm during a hockey tournament on a dare.
I shoplifted 3 things from a Talbots Kids growing up because my mom kept taking me there and I hated it.
I got $90 back from selling my textbooks and never gave the money back to my parents.
I cheated my way through every 8th grade history exam. She refused to tell me who she thought won the Civil War.
Wrote multiple versions of papers in high school and sold them for $50 each.
This Week’s Jaekle Jam:
^^ About when you have no other option left but to hurt someone. Totally dig it.
The Mingle by Christian 