How to Fake Being a Real Adult: Domestication

Did you pull one of these the second you moved into a new apartment?

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^^ Didn’t take me very long to regret taking this photo.

If you answered, “YES!” continue reading. If you answered “NO.” click elsewhere, and QUICK.

Post-graduate living is a proverbial BEAST. After spending two years in the dorms and two years with Graham Bowling following me around cleaning up my messes, I felt screwed upon arrival of my new pad. With over 3 months under my belt of not stinking up the block with the smell of my own corpse, I feel qualified to tell the tale of how I did it!

Check out thse 8 life hacks for getting the most out of your new crib.

Find a Neighborhood that’s SUPER ‘Up-and-Coming.’

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^^ East Walnut Hills: Take No Prisoners.

That’s street for, “Don’t leave your place after 9:00 PM.” Carly and I enjoy the luxuries of Hyde Park and Oakley for ½ the cost and 1/8 of the safety. Everyone loves an underdog story.

Doing Laundry is a LOAD of Crap

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^^ From ratchet to ready in 3 fortnights! Those are 2 week units, NERD.

Did you know if you leave your clothes on the floor long enough they become clean again? No joke, place your skivvies under your dresser, forget about them for 6-8 weeks, and then give ‘em a whiff. It’s not science, it just somehow works.

Volunteer to Host Parties and then Underperform

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^^ “Hey Christian, where’s all the grub??” Definitely not here.

I volunteer to host as many parties as possible so I can enjoy all the free stuff that comes along with the burden. Three weeks ago, I hosted a game night for my life group GRAVITY, SUCKERS with no food. My guests actually fled the party, went to Kroger, and returned with something they could eat. They also forgot to bring it home with them when they left. I felt weird when they thanked me after the event, but I felt awesome when I ate all the food they left behind. #TheWorstPersonEver

Live in a Place so Old Everything Stops Making Sense

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^^ Only the finest in Jaekle nectar and hair care.

My apartment was built in the Victorian LACE, LUST, & LIES  era. This means there’s one central water tank and heater for the ENTIRE building. Apparently that means these hot ticket amenities are provided, for FREE they totally jack up the rent like $300 dollars a month. To take full advantage of this, I like to take ‘short’ naps in the shower and enjoy many-a ‘shower beverages’. Like most entitled millennials, I like getting the most bang for my buck. Cause hey, we’re not in California too soon.

Decorate to Set Expectations

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^^ Guess which door I AM.

Decorate your apartment door to warn you neighbors what they’re getting themselves into. I put a Miami University banner on my door to communicate, “I went to business school that is ranked 56th overall and 16th for a public institution so you better listen to me.” And, “I’m an alcoholic.”

Bonus tip: Need to save money on posters for the inside of your apartment? Use old pieces of newspaper! If you can even find one. Print is DEAD.

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^^ #Old #Vintage #Antiques #WorkingOut #VSCOCam #Bieber

Use Your Apartment Exclusively for Flattery

Know the biggest complement you could ever give someone? WRONG. It’s “Hey, would you like to live together?” Now capture that awesome butterfly-heart explosion you just experienced and forcefully project it onto everyone you’ve ever met. Seal the deal by making sure the living experience will be super inconvenient for them, it’s a win-win. They feel cool, you keep your sanity.

Here’s an example…

Me: “Hey Danny, you’re really rad. We should live together.”

Danny: *Poops self* “There’s nothing I want more than this.”

Me: “Sweet. Here’s your room.”

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Danny doesn’t move in, but boy does he feel special that you asked! Friendship is a mind game.

Make Friends with Creepy-arse Bugs

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^^ I have Benjamin Button hands and like to wear “salmon.”

Pet are expensive, capture your own. Once you ‘accidentally’ smash them in a tissue, put them in a shoebox for safe-keeping. Make sure to poke holes for their dreams and ideas air!

Overcommit Yourself

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^^ Guess how many of them I asked to live with me? GUESS. #StillTheWorst

Commit to so many dope activities + awesome people you wonder why you bother to pay rent. Follow your passions, take risks, be bold, eat take out every night, stir up trouble.

This Week’s Jaekle Jam:

^^ Oh LORDE-y

Cheers,

Christian

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