Our Hips Don’t Lie: We Hit a Spanish Nude Beach [#BreakTheRules]

nudy

WELCOME BACK FROM SPRING BREAK.

You know what they say… cornrows or it didn’t happen. Since there was no #BreakTheRules last week this week has to be twice as good right? WRONG.

In an epic display of senior year, no ragrets, YOLO-swag Graham Bowling, Amanda Lawson, Julia Schoyer, and myself traveled to London, Spain and freakin’ Africa for 10 days. When I say Africa I mean the northern most tip of Morocco where Spain and Morocco don’t quite kiss but definitely lust after each other hardcore. It was here that THIS photo was taken:

 IMG_20150325_135351
^^ Like it on @MiamiUniversity’s official instagram page. #NotWorthy

I rode a camel for less than 12 seconds about .125 miles into Africa. But no one knows that. Besides you, because I think you’re really awesome.

Here’s a short list of things that should have happened on the trip, but fell through last second:

  • Being serenaded by One Direction upon landing. Thanks Zayn.
  • Eloping with a British woman. Didn’t happen but hordes of Dutch girls kept trying to sneak into our bedroom at night. The most aggressive one’s name is Kiki. Sneaky Kiki.
  • Yachting with Enrique Iglesias. Did you know his name translated to Eric Church? Not as hot.
  • Recreating Life Of Pi on the ferry ride to Morocco. I got bored, both the book & the movie are a sedative.

Besides these missed opportunities, I give Europe two baguettes up!

Being in Europe opened up a proverbial whole new world of comfort zone-squashing. In America the law ALWAYS gets in the way. Just kidding. Ok a little bit.

In America we love violence and find sexuality extremely taboo. In Europe it’s flip-flopped, as it probably should be. Why is knifing thousands of people in the face on Call of Duty totally cool but everyone jumps out of a 4th story window during a House of Cards sex scene? The way Americans are raised is so interesting. Things to contemplate.

Dismount soap box.

I wanted to do something naked for my 10 week escapade and I was shooting blanks trying to come up with something. Poor word choice. Straight up, more bad word choice, there are very few things in America you can do naked and get away with. The original plan was to be a nude model for an art class which proved to be a circus. MY DREAM IS DEAD.

OR SO I THOUGHT. On the bus ride a boys trip to Mijas, a dope mountain town that’s a cross between EVERYTHING THAT’S GOOD Greece and Japan, Graham spotted a “Playa Nudista” sign.

Graham: LOOK, NUTTER.

Me: RAAHHHHHH.

I jokingly told everyone before we left that we were going to hit a nude beach in Spain with the expectation that it was never going to happen. I also live by the following quote and I feel the need to share it with you.

“I’m playin’ with yo mind and stealin’ yo gurl.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Really could not have said it better myself.

The following day we were determined to drop that kitty trou at the nude beach before we start the trail of tears 30 hour journey home. We really should not have asked the girls to come with us because the reaction was completely predictable, but fist pumps for being inclusive.

Me: We’re going to the nude beach today, wanna come?

Amanda: No.

Julia: The world would LITERALLY end if you saw me naked.

Ok then.

In the interest of graduating and finding true love someday we did not allow Julia to come.

Graham and I set off after breakfast for some serious nudy duty. It is important to note that we didn’t notice how far away the beach was from our hotel. When you ride a bus for that long it’s hard to tell what’s reality through the carbon monoxide-induced haze and gentle rocking. We ended up walking 40 minutes each way to get naked with a bunch of strangers. Worth it? YES.

The beach was a slice a paradise. There was a small sign by the road that lead down a steep staircase to a small beach completely secluded by cliffs and dense tropical forest. It was also the hot place to hang out because nudies were funneling in like everyone who walked in got $100 and a puppy. While descending the staircase we notice two signs. Excuse the bastardization of these translations. My complete lack of Spanish knowledge was my Achilles heal on this vacation.

Sign 1: No photos. AWWW MANN.

nudy2

Sign 2: The bar only serves people who are completely nude. Like, don’t even try to hang with us if you’re just curious. We MEAN it.

It was FREEING, it was WILD, it was… not weird at all and totally awesome. Also, MYTHBUSTED that only saggy old people go to nude beeches, this place was swimming in young professionals. Graham also got hardcore checked out by some lady pretending to read a book. I did not tell him that until NOW. Get it Grahammy! Let’s also clarify that our experience was not “Playboy Live.” There’s really nothing hot or sexy about it. It’s just a bunch of people minding their own business in their birthday suit. Everyone was totally cool and respectful of one another and their nakedness. It gave me |   | <<< this much more faith in our generation.

The nude beach was the cool place out hang out. Hot bodies kept pouring in as people finished their bike rides, workouts, and errands for the day. The beach was also covered in sharp stones but the adrenaline numbed the pain. Since Graham and I are popular and stupid we didn’t bring any towels and had to lay out on our street clothes like total nudy NOOBS. Graham and I just let it all hang out, after taking additional precautions from the sun of course. To be honest, I wanted my rump to get sunburned just so I knew what it felt like. That flight back would have been *SO FUN*. We also went for a dip in the ocean for lack of better judgement. $#!% &^%$.

After getting sand in all of our nooks and crannies, the bar started pumping out the club bangers. Including this little number which was a “great choice.”

As Graham and I got up to leave we noticed an erotic massage tent. Mmmmm… better not. We bolted up the stairs with the satisfaction that we will arrive back to school with the BEST tans that NO ONE will ever see. If that’s not a reason to smile I don’t know what is.

Overall our adventure was a total hoot and a half. It was liberating physically and mentally. Being naked should not be a big deal at all. We were boOoOoorn this WaAaaAaaYyY. I’m not saying be an exhibitionist, but loosen up a little and go skinny dipping in a lake with your friends or something.

I MEAN EAT POTATO SALAD WITH YOUR GRANDMA. I don’t solicit advice.

If anyone needs a buddy to lay out with at school on the seal, on the Farmer School of Business lawn, or the Shriver fountain you know who to call.

This week’s Jaekle Jam:

Warning: Artistic nudity and insanely creative. Like this week’s post. GAHHH.

Cheers,

Christian

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